Lee Chabin, Esq. Mediation Services & Collaborative Law

Divorce, Family and other Matters

In NYC & Long Island

Online throughout NYS

ph: 917-864-6823 ------------ 718-229-6149
lee_chabin@lc-mediate.com

Resources: Books and Organizations

Organizations & Parent Education

Organizations

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy www.aamft.org

American Psychological Association http://www.apa.org/ (Note its “Psychology Help Center” at the top/center of the homepage.)

Step Families of America www.saafamilies.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. http://www.thehotline.org/

If domestic violence exists, know that abuse tends to escalate; please don’t wait for it to get worse.

Parent Education

The New York State Parent Education and Awareness Program offers court certified parent education for separating and divorcing parents.

The classes teach parents:

about what children are likely to experience during separation or divorce, and how to help them;
to communicate with one another in ways that reduce conflict; and,
basic legal terminology and about the court process.

See Frequently Asked Questions

Read the Parent's Handbook

Find Court-Approved Providers

Book Review

The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids--Without Going to Court - by Stuart G. Webb, Ronald D. Ousky (2006)

One of the authors, Stuart Webb, actually created Collaborative Law, in 1990. Looking for a less destructive way for couples to end their marriages, Webb started something that is now practiced in at least twenty-four countries, including the United States. Despite how much Collaborative Law has spread, the process is still unknown to so many who could benefit from it.

The other author, Ronald Ousky, is a collaborative lawyer, and "one of the pioneers of the Collaborative method."

They have written an important book, not only because they have provided information that many people will find helpful, but also because their book is very readable.

The authors explain what Collaborative Law IS - perhaps the most important part of the book, given that most people have never heard of it.

(If the subject is new to you, Collaborative Law involves the Husband hiring a specially trained lawyer, and the Wife doing the same. Both spouses and both attorneys agree in writing not to go to court. If anyone violates this agreement, the process ends, and the lawyers withdraw - that is, the lawyers can no longer represent their clients. Another feature of Collaborative Law is that a specially trained divorce coach can be available to each spouse (and be part of the "Collaborative Law Team"; a neutral financial planner and child specialist can also be enlisted, depending on the needs and desires of the parties.)

The book discusses how the process works, what potential participants can expect in terms of what they would need to do, how long it is likely to take, etc., and helpful appendices.

I have some minor quibbles with this book, for instance, the mediation process (an alternative to Collaborative Law) gets one page. In my opinion, if mediation is to be discussed, it should get its due - and I don't think that is the case here. More generally, I would have liked to have seen a "Further Reading" list, which could have included a variety of helpful books for spouses to consider. But, overall, I would say that the authors did an excellent job."

Books

I Live With Daddy. Albert Whitman & Company. Judith Vigna (1997)

Olivia, who lives with just her dad since her parents got divorced, has chosen to write a book about her mom's glamorous career as a TV reporter but manages to show that she loves both her parents equally. (from Amazon)

Comment: In this story, the child, Olivia, expresses feelings that so many of our children have, though our kids may not say them out loud. Though the Mom is not very dependable, the Dad is very supportive of his ex; and that is helpful to their daughter.

A nice book on both children's feelings and on healthy ways for parents to talk about the 'other parent.' And, obviously, a story in which a father spends most of the time with the child.

Helping Children Cope With Divorce. Jossey-Bass. Edward Teyber (1992)

Comment: In dealing with my own divorce and caring for my daughter, this book was invaluable to me.

It contains important information on what children are often thinking and feeling (whether or not they express it) and how to address their fears, etc.

The book provides guidance on what to actually tell children about the end of the marriage, and what it will mean for them.

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In - Roger Fisher, William Ury, Bruce Patton (Updated and Revised Edition, May 2011).

Comment: Getting to Yes is a classic. In readable language, it explains how to get away from positional bargaining and instead to uncover interests and needs, and then to develop options to meet those needs. Rational negotiations can then follow.

For instance - One position a parent might take is "I have to have custody, or there's no deal."

The underlying interest or need may be to spend time with the children and to be very involved in their lives. Both parents can usually have their needs met, which is much more productive than fighting over positions.

How to Win as a Stepfamily - Emily B. Vishner and John S. Vishner (Publisher: Routledge; 2 edition 1991)

Comment: I found the information to be both practical and sensible.

From the 'Product Description':

"The book gives practical advice on dilemmas such as dealing with new grandparents and former spouses, relating to children from a previous marriage, coping with feelings of loss, asserting the need for flexibility, helping stepchildren of different ages adjust to various situations, disciplining stepchildren, and resolving legal and financial disputes."

Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel (Publisher: Harper, 2006)

Comment: A provocative and thoughtful book. If you have questions such as "Why does great sex so often fade for couples who claim to love each other as much as ever?", you may find answers and advice that both improve your sex life and help your marriage.

Try To See It My Way - Dr. B. Janet Hibbs (Avery Trade, 2010)

Most couples enter marriage hoping it will last forever-so why are more and more relationships failing? As Dr. B. Janet Hibbs explains, the key to solving most relationship problems-whether relating to money, children, chores, sex, or in-laws-is through a shared sense of fairness. Intuitively, we think we know what's "fair." But as this book reveals, the way we each understand fairness is much more complex, and is powerfully shaped by our family expectations and experiences. (from Book Description on Amazon.com)

Two Homes - Claire Masurel, Illustrated by Kady MacDonald Denton (Candlewick 2003)

An excellent book for young children (ages 3 to 6, or so). Simple language that is gentle and assuring, lovely illustrations and important messages: children can have a special place and be at home in two homes when their parents separate or divorce; and, they can be loved, have what they need and be well cared for in both.

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